Here is a huge red flag for all of us to be aware of in our intimate relationships: If we find it easier to talk to someone else who we believe will understand us better than our partners.
Disclaimer: In this blog, I discuss couple relationships that do not involve domestic violence of any sort. When we first form intimate relationships, there is typically no one else who we think will "get" us, as well as our partner does. With time, this changes for many of us. It is important to be aware of this transition and to recognize that without action, this gap in communication in perhaps our most essential relationship is bound to increase (and in several cases, break down permanently). For both partners in such relationships, it may feel like they are "play-acting" or living two lives: one life in which they pretend to function as a couple and the other in which each feels entirely alone. Not surprisingly, each partner may experience symptoms of depression, anxiety etc., which may manifest in different ways. Often, coping mechanisms involve emotional withdrawal, alcohol, other substances, over-involvement in work or children and possibly, connecting closely with others (either emotionally or sexually or both). These and other coping mechanisms are effective in creating a distance between the intimate partners. The break-down in partner communication affects not just the two people involved, but other family members too. Children are often the most impacted by this, irrespective of their age. Thus, the couple may live together for several years, trying to present a "united" front, but the children are the first to see through the pretense. What can couples do when they find themselves in such a situation? If possible, open up about how they feel to EACH OTHER, despite fears of how the conversation may turn out. This may not be easy and the first attempt at real communication will probably not solve deep-rooted problems. However, it would be a start. Some couples seek out therapy when their attempts at bridging the gap seem to be unsuccessful. In such cases, a third, objective party is often useful. As a therapist, I use a specific family systems theory (Bowen theory) to make sense of how/why the transition from "intense closeness" to "intense distance" takes place in many intimate relationships. Whether or not you believe in therapy as a resource, I suggest to you that if you find yourself "running away" from a relationship by using any of the above-mentioned coping strategies, take the time to figure out what would make you stay and participate.
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Firstly, Happy New Year to all of us!!
I believe that most parents are subconsciously parenting themselves, though overtly, they appear to be parenting their children. Think about how you were parented or how you parent your children today. Our fears for our children seem to stem from our own unmet needs or our perceived failures and shortcomings. For example, if as a child I was rebuked for being lazy, perceiving that trait in my child is likely to evoke high anxiety. This anxiety then feeds into how I parent him/her. I may either be tough/harsh so as to make this trait "go away" or be overprotective so as to not to every cause hurt to my child. Either way, I am working on my past experiences and wishing they would change. Similarly, someone who felt under-nurtured as a child might become a highly nurturing parent. Someone who feels regret for his/her life choices might become the "lecturing" parent and so on...The point I am trying to make (and trust me, I did not come with these ideas) is that parents would serve themselves and their children well if they looked inwards and recognized their own strengths, needs and fears. If we could do this, we would understand that our children are separate entities who may be like us in some ways but are entirely their own beings. Our children will have their own life experiences that have possibly nothing to do with our journeys. The tendency to blame the child often arises when parents do not differentiate between themselves and their children (but rather see their children as extensions of themselves). In such cases, the blaming parent is possibly reliving his/her own hurt, not knowing how to heal. On the other extreme, the overly protective parent is, possibly from a sense of feeling alone/unprotected as a child, inadvertently preventing his/her child from growing into an independent being. I have come to realize that the only way for me to influence my children's happiness and lives is by working very hard on my happiness and life. My fears, worries, yelling, cajoling etc., are likely to have no impact on their future experiences and if they do, it will possibly be negative. What will certainly positively impact my children's future is how I live my own life today and how I model/embody all that I want them to be as adults. How often do people tell us to think and be positive when we tell them that we are feeling low about something? Not that there is anything wrong with being positive; it would be wonderful if we were all able to always count our blessings and ignore that gnawing feeling inside, hoping it will go away!
I truly believe in the power of positivity. However, I know from experience and training that to achieve a positive mindset, one has to first feel understood. We all need our feelings to be acknowledged by someone who cares for us. Thus, if I tell someone close to me that I feel sad, all I really want is for them to hear me out and maybe comfort me. It took me a long time to realize this and be able to verbalize this. In my work, I frequently come across individuals who have lived their lives being told they are "overreacting", "too emotional" or of course to "THINK POSITIVELY". I believe that though well-intentioned, most people do not know how to help when someone close to them expresses sadness or any negativity. Therefore, in their attempt to "fix" the problem, they come up with solutions such as "be positive" or "don't cry". Really, all they need to do is sit down, calmly listen and try to understand. We are not meant to be anyone's "fixers", just companions through the good and not-so-good times. I find that when I feel understood (and not told what to do), I am able to come up with my own solutions to problems at my own time and pace. Being validated and valued makes me feel more confident in my own ability to problem-solve rather than be dependent on others to do so for me! I urge all of us to practice JUST listening, both with adults and children. Tears and sadness are not harmful; harm is caused by the feelings that fester unresolved, sometimes for years. Since Marriage (couple) & Family therapy is a relatively new field in the mental health services, people sometimes mistakenly think marriage & family therapists (MFTs) only work with couples and families. However, MFTs do commonly work with individuals, just as a Social worker or a counselor would do. One difference is that we approach individual/couple/family issues from a "family systems" lens. This means that when I meet with an individual, I keep in mind that he or she functions within the context of the family and various other relationships (school, work, peers etc.). Thus, there is a bidirectional influence between the individual and those he/she interacts with, which cannot be ignored in therapy.
For example, if I present to a therapist with depressive symptoms, a MFT would ask about my upbringing and the various relationships in my family. This is not to place blame on the family, but to tap into this highly influential system for its strengths and to identify existing patterns that I may be "reliving". Some of these existing patterns of interaction are thought to be transmitted from generation to generation (ex-my grandfather to my father to me) and may have either a positive or negative impact on an individual and his/her current relationships. For instance, I may be interacting the same way with my husband/partner that my mother did with my father (sometimes without recognizing it). As a therapist, my role would be to help uncover some of these dynamics in order to increase insight into how these may be impacting a client's individual symptoms (anxiety, depression etc.). Many of us spend most of our lives seeking outside sources to make us feel good about ourselves. This may include parents, authority figures, partners, skills and talents, academic achievement, religious affiliation; and the list goes on and on.
Then, there are the lucky few whose sense of self neither expands with outside affirmation nor wanes with perceived criticism or failure. They seem happy being who they are, despite what others think of them. So, how do we all get here? Here is something each of us can remind ourselves: I came alone into this world and will go alone, then why do I not trust my own self during this journey? Everything outside me is only an aid, a companion. Let me HOLD MYSELF UP every moment of every day, knowing that NO ONE ELSE CAN TAKE MY PLACE IN THE UNIVERSE. I do not need to be anything else or anyone else, because I came here complete. All I need to do is to love MY SELF, because when I remember to do that, everyone around me MAGICALLY feels loved! I want to share an experience I had not many months ago, while doing therapy in a 95-100% White part of town. ( In case you do not know, I fall under the "brown" category here in the U.S). So, it was our 3rd session and my client began by telling me that she and her boyfriend had been discussing my origins and that they had come up with Japanese, Mexican, Native American etc. I took this as a friendly exchange and quite enjoyed her curiosity. This was until she came closer to me and asked, "Are your people the ones who have been shooting and killing our people?". I asked her to repeat the question since I was not sure I had heard her correctly and of course, she asked me the same question again. Despite my reflex of shock, disbelief and fear, I managed to compose myself and explained that I was born and raised in India. I had to show this client where India was on the World map, because, of course, her school had not taught her to look beyond her state. I spoke about the religion I was raised with and this again, did not resonate because she had not heard of Hinduism.
This experience awakened me to the fact that outside the comfort of the university environment, there were still people who viewed me as "foreign" and therefore a possible threat. I was not sure if this client would return the following week and was delighted when she did. She went on to becoming one of my most regular clients and we both hugged and were nearly in tears when I left the agency. My point is that thanks to the "Us versus Them" messages some individuals insist on spreading, the people of our country ( I am a citizen of the U.S) stand divided and categorized today, especially after the elections. This morning, I watched a Christian preacher on T.V and her messages seemed to resonate with the message of the Gita (holy book of the Hindus). I was amazed and pleasantly surprised that the one message all religions preach is that humans should do their duty with the trust that God will do the rest. THEN, she began narrating incidents about "them versus us". She talked about how others may not understand the Christian way and denounce it, and that those people may suffer later etc. etc.....That is the point at which I switched channels. Just before I switched, I heard a lot of Amens from the crowd watching her. While it personally serves this preacher to incorporate categorization and hate in her messages, it is all humans who have to bear the brunt. At this point, it is has become a practice for us to divide ourselves into categories based on religion, Trump versus non-Trump followers, race, skin color etc. One question we seriously need to think about is - "who stands to benefit from these divisions"? The U.S has given me and my family more than I could have asked for. We have received respect, education, a chance at honest employment and the freedom to express our individuality. This is a country where most people ask questions and not swallow information provided to them. This is where I learned that despite the existing hierarchies, I do not have to be afraid to ask questions of authority figures or think differently from them. Until this day, I have believed that this country will provide opportunity to those who work for it, irrespective of how they look. I pray that the divisions created by the recent election are only temporary and that the messages of kindness and oneness that we ALL heard growing up, will prevail. Those of us who grew up in developing countries know of the stigma attached to mental health conditions and therefore, to any form of therapy in this area. It is understandable that in my grandparents' generation, there was not much energy or resources to focus on emotional issues. Therefore, families often either pretended that such conditions did not exist or discarded the affected person as "crazy".
Today, there is greater awareness that mental health is as important, if not more, than physical health. We certainly know that they are intricately related and one does not do well without the other. While developing nations seem to take their time recognizing this, the U.S has taken huge strides in the area of mental health. I am grateful that the field of Marriage & Family Therapy was created back in the 50s and 60s and that there are some graduate programs offering excellent training using the family systems perspective. Immigrant families in the U.S would benefit from using therapy as a resource in their lifelong process of adjusting to a new culture. There has been some conversation around the acculturation process for the children of immigrant parents, particularly in terms of their social life. Children often feel like they are leading two lives, one outside home where they act in accordance to the adopted culture and another, very contrasting one at home. This identity confusion often has a negative impact on the child's well-being. From my own experience, parents seem to struggle too, especially once their children reach adolescence. Adolescence is generally a stage where both parents and children go through some adjustment and conflict in order to renegotiate their roles. Being an immigrant family compounds this struggle to some extent. The child wants to assert individuality and one way to do so is to shun the parental culture and push for the more familiar one ("why won't you let me go on dates, ALL my friends get to!". The parent(s) may experience this as not only the loss of their "baby" but also a threat to their cultural identity. Raising children in a new culture also places a strain on the parental relationship. The transition to parenthood is universally a difficult one and again, this is compounded when one has to incorporate two cultures into one's parenting. The isolation from one's own family (parents, siblings etc.) and support structure can add to the stress of new parents, leading to possible conflict in the couple's relationship. Such conflicts do reduce over time in most cases. However, as we all know, unresolved issues do not tend to go away. They just appear in other forms and during other stages of our lives. Immigrant families, especially those from Asian countries, have created something of a record in terms of achievement and financial success in their adopted country. It is now time for us to acknowledge that the years of hard work and focused attention it takes to create a place for ourselves in unfamiliar territory, does take a toll. What manifests as physical problems may in fact, have an emotional basis. Facing our limitations and acknowledging that we cannot do it all by ourselves, may be the first step. The next step may be to let go of some redundant notions about mental health, so we can recognize symptoms of anxiety or depression (or other conditions) in us or our children and seek the necessary help. I wonder, is most of our suffering related to either the feeling of not being loved or the fear of losing love? For example, many high achievers would admit that they were driven by expectations. So, do we work very hard to fulfill these expectations from parents, teachers, partners and friends out of the fear that they may not love us if we do not? Thus, is our achievement or success standing on very flimsy ground? What if we stop achieving?
Then, there are those of us who feel like "failures", because we have not achieved (in the traditional, worldly sense). There may have been incomplete education, career-related problems or unsuccessful relationships. Is this sense of failure tied to not being loved and regarded as someone important? What if we felt loved and important and successful, irrespective of how we performed at school or work ? What if we could pour all that hard work into nurturing our beautiful relationships? I believe that if parents, teachers and all mentors were to do this, then the future generations would be fulfilled enough to not only achieve their full potential at school or work, but be brimming with the capacity to pour love into their new relationships. This cycle would continue and make humankind a happy species.... My husband and I were discussing this just this morning and I thought I would "think aloud" here. While training to be a Couple and Family Therapist at The Ohio State University, I received one message loud and clear from my mentor/advisor. She cautioned us trainees to be aware of the "hats" we wear in our varied roles. In the initial training period, when my ego was especially fragile and my goal was to be seen as a "good" therapist, I was pained when she observed that she had seen me wear my "therapist" hat in a particular session,as revealed through my posture, language and in all, the pretense of being the expert in the room.
As I grew, both personally and in my training, I began to value this message immensely. I recognized that the more human and "me" I was in the room, the more I was allowing my clients to be themselves too. This meant I could shed a tear when I was moved, be gently frustrated when I wanted to challenge someone or importantly, sit with the discomforting thought that I had no clue what to do next! The medical model has, unfortunately, made experts and gods out of doctors and to some extent, mental health providers. While this system poses a disadvantage to the client due to its undermining his or her power in the equation, it also thrusts a lot of pressure on the provider NOT to make mistakes or not to accept them when they are made. I believe this system was created because some physicians are responsible for people's lives, however, let us not forget that the responsibility lies always on both sides. Particularly in therapy, clients who are motivated to change how they feel, act etc., are likely to experience that change sooner than those who place the responsibility entirely on the hands of the "expert". In my experience, clients who placed this burden on me often struggled with a general sense of powerlessness in most life situations (personal, medical, academic etc.). I would see the light switch turning on when I addressed this directly and asked the client what role I played in their lives. Years of being told what to do had contributed to their lack of agency and again, the entire system (including the client) was responsible for this. One client told me that I was the first person who had treated her like a human being (I nearly cried when I heard this). Let me be honest- it is hard to resist that feeling of being powerful when someone sees you as the person who will "fix" his or her situation. Often, I have to directly convey, to my clients' disappointment, that I do not have the answers but am willing to walk with them on that path. What I know I can offer as a therapist is: caring, empathy, questions and importantly, frequent reminders that I do not have expectations that a "good" client should behave in a certain way or do a certain set of things. We all have plenty of these expectations in our other worlds; let therapy be one place where we can just be. |
Sujata V, Ph.D, MFTAlways Learning..through the good AND not-so-good times! Archives
March 2024
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