Do you know someone who is harsh, judgmental and critical? Chances are, this person does not feel and has never felt "good enough".
The answer is yes, it is useful for therapists to seek their own therapy. My experience is that even though I am trained to identify underlying patterns with respect to my patients, it is often hard for me to turn the microscope to myself and my patterns. I may self-reflect a lot, but I often need another, objective person to help make meaning of what I am feeling/observing. I use multiple, trusted sources to help "keep an eye" on me.
My definition of a therapist is someone who cares for me and is not afraid to challenge me. Ideally, this person is also trained in identifying and interpreting patterns of human behavior. Objectivity is the key word here. Family members may be able to support and care, but often are not able to step back enough to be emotionally objective from the situation. Thus, when a marriage is in trouble, people who care often take sides and typically end up adding to the mess. Similarly, I may not be able to hold an objective view with my own children. On several occasions, I have asked myself, "I am a trained therapist who works with other parents. So, why am I not able to handle this situation with my child differently?". Of course, I know the answer. And, this is when I consult with my therapist sources. Sometimes, I do not like what they tell me. However, I am ALWAYS grateful because I can trust them to turn on the 'light switch' for me. Selfishness is unnecessarily maligned.
I believe that if we genuinely know, believe in and stand up for what we want as individuals, there would be fewer problems in our relationships. We are taught that being selfish is not desirable because it automatically means we do not look out for others. I have learned that the few of us who do not look out for others or even actively harm others, do so because they grew up being treated the same way. Therefore, they will "snatch" whatever they can, just to feel they are deserving. Most of us can rest assured that a balance is possible between looking out for ourselves and others and there does not need to be a tug-of-war between the two. Please try being "selfish" in relationships and you will probably notice a shift over the long term. That is, state what you would like and try to act on it as much as possible. As long as your intention is not to harm others, the guilt of feeling "selfish" will gradually dissipate. There is freedom in being yourself while loving others. Dissolving yourself in what others want you to be, is more harmful than being "selfish". If you are in a long-term relationship, please ask yourself: "Why am I in this relationship?". If the answer is anything other than, "because I want to be with my partner/spouse", it might be time to make changes.
If your answer sounds like any of these - "because of my kids", "because he/she needs me", "because my parents arranged this", "because I am afraid to be alone" etc.- it is time to make changes. By 'changes', I do not mean ending the relationship, though that option might be necessary for some of us. I mean working on yourself to see if you can change your answer to- "because I want to be with ...... (name of your partner)" How do you work on yourself? I believe one needs to introspect, self-reflect, understand the reasons behind one's motivation/ fears etc. One way is to find a therapist who you can trust and who would help you through this process. Ideally, both you and your partner would engage in this work, thus benefiting your relationship. If your partner is not ready, I believe that individual work would still be useful to both you and your relationship. As I grow older, I realize that there IS a purpose for every challenge I face. That is, if I choose to examine it. That purpose, I have determined, is internal GROWTH. Please feel free to view life's challenges as presented below: I Recognize that a challenge is not necessarily thrown my way to hurt me I Recognize that a challenge is a message for me to try a different approach from what I have done previously I Recognize that a challenge is meant for me to eliminate old fears and see how strong I really am I Recognize that a challenge, if used well, brings forth a whole new world of opportunities Finally, internal growth need not stop, unless we choose to stunt ourselves. Therefore: I Recognize that I keep facing challenges because I have demonstrated the will and capacity to GROW. Sujata Ponappa, PhD., MFTMarriage/ Family Therapist, Relationships LLC The word 'depression' is often used instead of 'deep sorrow', but they are not the same. When we allow ourselves to experience deep sorrow, there may be no room for depression (lack of feeling, numbness etc.). We all experience loss through the death of loved ones, ending of relationships, and other life events such as retirement, aging, moving away to college etc.
I believe that : Facing these losses + feeling them + sharing our pain with others = Healing + the Ability to come out stronger. Here is another equation: Avoiding/internalizing the feelings of loss = creating internal distress = emotional or physical Disease Many of us have a traumatic experience at an early stage in life (physical, sexual, emotional abuse etc.) which leaves us with a sense of powerlessness and shame; powerlessness, because we were too young to say 'no' to the abuser and shame, because we interpreted the experience as a flaw within us or something we could have avoided but did not.
Many of us carry this burden of powerlessness and shame well into our adulthood and this burden prevents us from achieving deep intimacy in our relationships. That is, we may go through life not allowing anyone to come "too close" lest they see that we are flawed. This is not done consciously and many of us do not realize that we are afraid to allow people in. We develop several coping mechanisms to allow for this "safe distance", but this kind of living leaves a sense of unrest within. We search for "happiness" and "peace" but they evade us... In my opinion, one way out is to trust another adult (spouse, partner, therapist, etc.) enough to share this traumatic experience with and process thoroughly. Of course, one needs to first feel safe with this individual, because such a step feels very risky. In effective therapy, the burden of shame is removed when the affected individual feels understood, empathized with and importantly, recognizes that self-blame is no longer necessary. The experience of trusting another human being and feeling "safe" in the relationship can open the door to intimacy. Intimacy also increases our sense of self-worth because we feel valued and loved by another. Peace, contentment, happiness etc. are bound to follow... As parents, we often struggle with feelings of helplessness and frustration when our children behave in ways we do not understand. Some examples are young children's tantrums when they don't get what they want or a teenager's mood swings and "attitude".
I tend to first look at myself and see how we as parents might be influencing the behavior. Does one of us tend to throw adult "tantrums", which our child emulates? Do I get scared and quickly given in to a meltdown just so I can have peace? Does my teenager's anger make me feel unwanted/rejected and therefore, I react in anger or by appeasing? Or, is there something else the child is reacting to because he/she does not know any other way? Is there trouble in the parental relationship? Is there open hostility or silent distance? What is the general stress level in the household? After these questions (and more) are looked into, it often becomes easier to deal with the actual behavior. If the behavior is a symptom of something related to an adult or adults, it is up to the adult/s to work on themselves. If the behavior seems age-related, then again, it is up to the adult to draw the lines for what they will/will not tolerate. Ultimately, I believe that the buck stops with us adults! The model of therapy that I use conceptualizes all human problems using one lens. It postulates that our problems (emotional and physical) arise due to a reduced capacity to balance both togetherness and individuality in relationships. For example, in many couple relationships, each member tends to lose his/her 'sense of self' over time; two individuals who originally came together as independent beings seem to have become "one person". Since it does not feel comfortable to be "fused" in this manner with another person, such situations eventually may cause strain and create a need for both members to pull apart drastically (either as divorce or emotional distancing etc.). This discomfort is also related to individual mental and physical health symptoms.
When parents struggle to find the balance between individuality and togetherness, they tend to engage in "fusion" with one or more of their children too. Thus, the parent views the child as an extension of himself/herself and unintentionally, imposes expectations that the child think and feel similarly to the parent. As this child grows old and tries to establish an individual self, any deviation from the expectation of being "like his/her parent" is dealt with negatively. Thus, the child grows up into an adult who struggles with balancing individuality and togetherness in relationships and the cycle continues on to the next generation....One way to break this cycle is for us to allow our children to be unique and different from us. This does not mean agreeing with everything they say/do. It means encouraging them to have a voice with us without fearing shame, ridicule or other negativity. In order to work towards finding the balance between individuality and togetherness, we can begin by first trying to find ourselves; this means learning to value who we were/are and speaking up for what we think and feel without fear. It also means accepting that we are not perfect and that most mistakes are not life-threatening :) Contrary to what many believe, pursuing self-growth tends to foster increased connection in our relationships rather than create distances. |
Sujata V, Ph.D, MFTAlways Learning..through the good AND not-so-good times! Archives
March 2024
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